Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*cough*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.