Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Herpes is trending, good job people
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
