DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
You Might Also Like
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
…..pretty much.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse