Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.