Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds