dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar