Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.