@chompie1337
@seamusmckracken Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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@seamusmckracken 
@LostCatDog Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
@DadandBuried As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
@ilovepie84 Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
@CubanaMama82 I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
@VerbsRProudest *warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
@AlmightyBored Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
@anerdonfire2 Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
@dmc1138 This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
@sweatheartmoony Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad