@chompie1337

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

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@LostCatDog

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

@DadandBuried

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

@ilovepie84

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

@VerbsRProudest

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

@anerdonfire2

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

@dmc1138

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.