dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.


As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.


Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work


*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.


Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.


Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.


This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.