Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”