Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*