[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
the rocks need my help
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion