@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

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@ch000ch

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

@TheHyyyype

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

@girlwithatail

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

@SwissArmyWife00

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

@junejuly12

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

@WheelTod

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

@CrockettForReal

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not