Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days


*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*


My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.


My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream


After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is


My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.


Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.


Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.


The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not