dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The Onion called it…again.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?