[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Had to try this trend 😊
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.