dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”