dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.


Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.


How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life


“Morning guys”


– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses


Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.


Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.


People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.


My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.