@perlhack

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

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@UncleDuke1969

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@Chhapiness

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

@SteveSuckington

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

@schumoo

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please