Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
lol
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.