Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
You got this…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.