Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:


Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”


Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”


Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.


Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.


The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.


Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.