@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

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@BradBroaddus

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

@CVTBaby

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

@Try2StopME

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.