[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
happy valentine’s day to me
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers