Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
True
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.