Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
This forever.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
when there are deer in the woods
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.