Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I falcon love using swear birds
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”