Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.