Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “research” scene in every horror movie

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

WTF

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.