Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
#CoronaOutbreak
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
good work, detective
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
work smarter, not harder
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg