Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless