“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
You Might Also Like
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
me as a parent
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*