[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles