[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.