Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
You Might Also Like
Very good! 👍😂
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.