describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.