[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*