[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it