[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old