[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Heroic Misunderstanding
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8