[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.