[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
never deleting this app.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.