[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
We’re all getting idioter.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…