Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?