#DesignFail
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.