Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
can I use a minion as a tampon
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Dyslexics are teople poo!