Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.