“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
OMG 🤣🤣
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Hello Twits.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.