@sarah_edo While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
@david8hughes “Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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@sarah_edo 
@CopBroughtPizza I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
@daemonic3 cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
@suntzufuntzu Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
@LostFelicia My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
@ColIegeStudent “College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
@RadWizzy *rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
@WilliamAder If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
@david8hughes My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
@Darlainky Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.