Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
This is enough internet for the day.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.