Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s