Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes