*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?