detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
You’ll be OK
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.