Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.


I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?


Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.


My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.


Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.


Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.


The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.


Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend


ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood


Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.