Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.