detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
You Might Also Like
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about