detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Still my favourite meme.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s