Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.