Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one鈥檚 about to stab me cuz I鈥檓 thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won鈥檛 die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]掳sips drink掳 that’s ridiculous 掳water shoots out of holes掳
No more questions
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 馃槶馃槀
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don鈥檛 worry he only has one stone
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses